updated Random Observations upon my life...

1. The Texans actually won a football game. Be still my heart. At least we're not 0 and something anymore... we're 1 and something...
You should have seen the ruckus at Reliant. You'd think we'd won the Superbowl or something, not just that we'd actually won a game...

2. I have never in my life felt so much like my entire career is an exercise in futility as I do right now. We're working on percents in my math class. Today, in one of my classes, I had to ask NINE of my SEVENTH GRADE students, "100 divided by WHAT gives me 25?" before I got a correct answer. Nine. How can you you not know that by seventh grade? How can you not TELL TIME by seventh grade? Where in the hell are these kids' parents? How am I supposed to teach them algebraic reasoning and proportional relationships if they don't know HOW MANY QUARTERS ARE IN A DOLLAR?

3. I have 70 students. Today, I had one student turn in her homework. ONE. Out of seventy.

4. Why are people so mean-spirited by nature? Why must it be an instinct that to make ourselves seem better, we inherently feel the need to criticize and disparage others?

5.I want to cry. I'm doing that a lot these days. It quite sucks. I'm feeling a whole lot like I want to crawl in a hole and disappear for a while. I just can't seem to handle my life right now. I think if someone were to so much as cast me a harsh glare at the opportune moment, I would literally incinerate and crumble into a smoldering pile of ash.

6. Things will get better. They have to.

7. They have to.

Why high school kids in wanna-be gangs are DORKS...

So there's a lot of tension in the air at the schools in our district. Being in a low socio-economic area, our schools have taken in several Hurricane Katrina survivors from low socio-economic areas in New Orleans.

As these students are slowly trying to integrate into life in H-town, many still feel very segregated and somewhat ostracized, as for some reason, a few of the refugees think they are better than our own idiot children.

So instead of trying to fit in, the kids are often forming their own little cliques, cliques that border on gangs. At one of the high schools, the kids are calling themselves the 504's, as 504 is the area code for New Orleans.

Those of us in education find this rip-roaring HILARIOUS.

In edu-speak, section 504 identifies children with "substantially limiting impairments." In other words, a "504 child" is classified as special ed. These dorks are walking around calling themselves slow, and every adult in the building knows it.

I guess you kinda have to be an educator, but lord, how it makes me laugh...

The Nasty Little House

So there's this fabulous little hole-in-the-wall greasy spoon called Lankford Grocery about 3 or 4 blocks from Xanadu where they serve the ridiculously cheap and ridiculously delicious food. I love to walk over there on Saturday mornings and eat breakfast, but I hadn't been in a while because a) I've been a little busy, and b) it's been way to hot to walk anywhere in the morning.

Two lots away from this little hole-in-the-wall, there was the nastiest of nasty houses. There were always piles of trash in the yard, the front door was hanging off it's hinges, the porch was decrepit and sagging. Aw hell, the whole damn house was decrepit and sagging.

So this past Saturday, I decided I had to let my girlfriend experience the wonder that is breakfast at Lankford's. As we were walking over there, I was telling her about the nasty little house nearby. I regaled her with the story of the time I witnessed the large mouse/small rat (?) darting away from the house, followed by the scraggliest cat I ever saw, which pounced, chomped, and ran back inside with it's prey. (Ick...) As I finished the story, we turned the corner discover an empty lot where the nasty little house was.

Apparently, someone else had decided that it was time for the nasty little house to go. Since it had been a good 3-4 months since I had last dined at Lankford's, I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was to see the empty lot over grown with a foot of weeds.

Whatever. So we're sitting outside at the diner, and the little toothless old lady who has been working there for ages brought us out our breakfasts. Ever so casually, I asked her, "So, how long ago did they finally tear down that nasty little house that used to be right over there?" I probably should've mentioned it in slightly more diplomatic terms, but truth be told, that's what it WAS: a nasty little house.

She looks at me, and responds, "You mean MY house?"

I could have died a thousand deaths.

As, for 15 minutes, she filled me in with all the horribly mundane details of how she had lived there for 15 years, and the landlady did this that and the other thing, and how she had to (gasp) pay a pet deposit at her new house (which she was paying $20/mo less for than the one that was just torn down... I shudder to think...), I sank lower and lower into my chair, and my girlfriend tried to keep from cracking up.

It'll be a long time before I eat at Lankford's again...

dejected, terrified, hurt, and angry...

I hate being condescended to.

I also hate having my emotions belittled.

Twice today, I have conversed with people I trust unequivocally, and once I was told to "just relax," and once I was told to not turn the feelings that I'm having into something "more than it is."

I'm overwhelmed by a whole lot right now, personally and professionally, and all I have to say is WOW.

Not to be unappreciative or rude, but these replies are a little less supportive and a lot more patronizing than I had anticipated. I’m not letting my feelings turn into something "more than it is." What I'm going through right now is already pretty freaking huge. My ENTIRE LIFE is changing direction a whole hell of a lot more than I ever imagined it would.

And I don't know if anyone can understand how terrifying that is, but I would hope my friends would at least try. I feel so very alone for the first time in a long time.

And I’m just NOT okay right now. I know I will be, and hopefully it will be soon, but right now I’m freaking out.

And quite frankly, I think I’m entitled to.

Insecurities

I am about the most insecure, self-conscious person alive.

The second I do something slightly stupid (which happens a lot...), I want to run and hide and stick my head in the ground and disappear forever.

I'm perpetually embarrassed of myself, and I spend half my life apologizing. (And it's irritating as hell to those who know me.)

It's just that I feel that if I run away and hide, everything will eventually be okay, and I won't have to feel as idiotic as I do at that moment. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone else, but sometimes it seems like the only answer to me. It's all I've ever done.

And I'm sorry for being so shrouded by this timidity and lack of confidence. I'm really going to try to do better.

Ouch (in a better way)

So yesterday, my girlfriend (the volleyball coach at my school) and I took on her team of 8th graders. Six of them versus the two of us.

We so kicked their asses.

However, it was really them that kicked ours, because we are both ridiculously sore.

My knee hurts.
My back hurts.
My swinging-arm shoulder is KILLING me.

And it's only been three months since I last played.

But man, was it fun...

The Man in the Glass

When you get what you want in your struggle for gain,
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The one whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the man staring back in the glass.
He’s the one you must satisfy beyond all the rest
For he’s with you right up to the end
And you'll have passed your most difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may be the one who got a good break
Then think you’re a wonderful guy;
But the man in the glass thinks you’re only a fake
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
Getting pats on the back as you pass;
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you have cheated the man in the glass.

A college professor read this poem when I was 19. I have kept a copy of it in my wallet and on my desk ever since.

I read it to my advisory class today as a part of our Character Building exercise on having self-respect.

One response?

"Miss, it doesn't apply to me. I'm a girl. I ain't gonna be lookin' at no MAN in a mirror."

I fear for our future...

Opening up a can of worms...

My mother wants me to get a lap band. You know, like a gastric bypass, but less invasive. They don't actually remove your stomach, they just cinch it up through laparoscopic surgery. She's even offered to help financially.

My mom is convinced that I have self esteem issues surrounding my weight. (True, but...)

I think that she's thinking that if I lose weight, I'll be better looking. As she says, "You're pretty, but if you lost enough weight, you'd be EXCEPTIONALLY pretty." I think she wants me to be able to get any MAN I want. Actually, forget think. I know that's what she's thinking.

Huh.

Go figure.

Excuse me while I'm a little bitter.

Let me first say that parents are very good people, but just like the rest of us, they are human and have made some mistakes. The following was a whopper.

In high school, my parents weighed me every single morning for 3 years. If I had gained weight, I was forbidden to drive the car they had acquired for my use. If I gained even more, I was grounded.

On my 16th birthday, I was not allowed to go get my driver's license because I was told that I couldn't get my license until I had lost 15 pounds. I had only lost 13.

I was never significantly large. I was maybe 15 pounds over weight, but I was a stellar athlete and carried it very well on my 5'11'' frame. I was never larger than a size 14 until I got to college.

It killed me to watch my friends go out and I couldn't because I may have eaten a few extra french fries at lunch. I had myself convinced that I was the most hideous of all creatures because I was so fat. It kills me a little now, because looking back, I really was gorgeous. I just didn't know it, because all I'd ever heard was how I needed to lose weight.

Needless to say, I developed serious issues with my weight once I left the house. I became a horrendous binge eater, and also dabbled in bulimia for a few years (Recall Exhibit A...), until my esophagus became so torched that I couldn't handle the pain any more. It ended up that while in college, I gained a total of 150 lbs. I nearly doubled myself. Pretty much, just because I could.

I've struggled with my size ever since. Currently, I'm still about 50-60 lbs heavier than I was at my extreme hottiness of 18-years old. However, I'm actually okay with myself right now, and I'm finally able to look at myself and not think I'm a horribly ugly monster.

And it just ticks me off a little that she's still doing this to me.

Still Breathing

I'm still alive.

My parents know, and I'm still alive.

They're not happy about the whole girlfriend thing, but they still love me, as I knew they would. However, telling them was about the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I am so very lucky to have the parents that I do.